Culmination

I had the opportunity to learn what it feels like to be in the presence of amazing clergy women for an entire summer. To see the work and ministry of clergy women as they grace this earth with their strength, kindness, compassion and intelligence, is unforgettable and humbling. Each woman in ministry was shining a light on an area unattended to. Each clergy woman’s story a chance to see possibility and hope, as well as, the day to day triumphs and struggles. I felt that each pastor shared their hardships and their joys genuinely. My only regret is that I did not record each session. I guess I had a fear of being too formal. I wanted the conversation to feel non-threatening, so I would hear what it was “really like” to be a United Methodist Pastor.

Being a minister has many implications but the most general one is that it is hard. It is hard to be in constant conversation with your congregation. Its hard to turn on the television and see destruction and chaos when you want to be delivering a message of hope and forgiveness. It’s extremely hard to balance a life outside of what you do when your work never ends. I brought my own faith struggle to the table as I sat in conversation, unknowingly sometimes but mostly strategic, asking questions that led to a singular idea: doubt. I wanted to know what caused them to doubt? Or, more importantly what bright light led them out of darkness when they were or are in doubt? You’re probably thinking, “How could it be that, a pre-seminary intern who didn’t join the church till college is doubting if being a pastor is what she wants to do?” Obvious I’m sure but sometimes our rose colored glasses don’t always make the world so transparent.
Through this project two wonderful things happened: seminary became a confirmed dream of mine, not a way to dodge the bad economy. Seminary, with all of my doubts, is where I feel called right now.
The second gift of the summer was these extraordinary women who I thought would be too busy to talk to me, too busy to answer an email, were excited to talk about their faith journeys and the happenings of the ministries going on around them. They made themselves available and an open book. Most importantly they were hopeful.

Interviewing women led me to two questions that follow me till this day: Why don’t I listen more and why don’t WE listen more? Are we so afraid of what we might let in or what people might think that we can’t be in conversation? Unfortunately you wont find the answer to these questions. Im not blessed with as many answers as I am questions. I can only say with my own testimony that listening is what caused me to find my next step in ministry. By providing a space for a conversation, with my intention being simply to learn and to listen, I did.
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